And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
