I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
