Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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