On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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