textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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