My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Panties = found
Randomize
