I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
