My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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