Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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