New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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