I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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