so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
