I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
