That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Dick very happy bro
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
