I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
