I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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