i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
