I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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