How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
