Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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