Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
