I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I've blown a few things in my day
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
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I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
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Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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