Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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