shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
