I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
