I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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