I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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