My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
