I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
