oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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