The maid of honor just puked.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
