if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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