omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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