He kissed a someone with a penis
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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