Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
