fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
