I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
