He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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