a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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