Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
