I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
