I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
