i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Randomize
