I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
