Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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