i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The uberlube is also flammable
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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