Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
