Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
