So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
