i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
