It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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