took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
