just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
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I think I have vodka in my lungs
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
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BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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