We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize