i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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