i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
