K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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